I didn't teach today. There are half days that are now field days and most teachers will be in until the last day of school. So I suppose that yesterday will be my last day of school. Therefore I didn't wake up until 11, I didn't put pants on until 2 and am probably not going to shave until my next interview whenever the hell that is going to be.
I went for the run with the expecation that I would be running that three mile that I've been running for the past week. As I was sitting on my bed, tying my shoes, I was strategizing how I would tackle the route that has tackled me twice this week. I would have to start out taking the first half slow. I would be constant but I had to be careful about how I handled it, because the last half was full of rolling hills, most of which I would have to go up instead of going down.
I was barely a quarter of a mile into the run where everything hurt, nothing internally, but everything was sore. I had to just do a mile. I took that as a day off and today will be a day off as well.
It's fitting that I didn't do well today with my run, because I haven't exactly been feeling really great about myself. I think there are several parts of graduating that are difficult. For me it was the same stuff that I hated while in college that I still hate now. I hate going onto facebook and looking at the different girls that have brushed me off over the past few years and are now in their pictures, still beautiful, and flirting with all sorts of guys and having the time of their lives. People could argue that I never made a real go of it, or tried to with any of them, but of the small fraction I did and those failed results, I pretty much knew the shot that I had with anyone else that beautiful. Also, the guys they are with now didn't have to try, they didn't have to go for it, these beautiful girls just threw themselves at him and they are all happy.
I always tend to downplay my physical appearance and I never fail to stop doing such things because, let's be honest, I have a mirror, I have seen pictures of myself on facebook, and then I see these beautiful women and I already know that I have lose the battle of the looks. But then I look at the guys they are with, and I am just puzzled by it. I know that I am nothing great to look at. I mean, that's the main reason why I am running because as butt ugly as I am, I feel like at least I will have a pretty decent body, or a skinny runners one. But some of these guys aren't really much to look at. I mean granted some of them are knockouts that I definitely wouldn've been able to compete with, but some of them are pretty average. So what is bad about me, what do I do wrong? I don't know. I wouldn't want to be with me if I was them. I could say that all of these people are vapid, superficial, and emotionless, but they really aren't. And they are the ones who are going to go far in life and not me.
Another pain of graduating is realizing that you are no longer needed. I am...was a part of a club that is responsible for putting events on at our campus. It was also my second family of life and first family at college. They were the people that got me through rough time and also I had the best time of the world with them. They're my fifty best friends. But now that I graduated, I have to learn to move on from them. I don't want to be that guy who pesters the board and doesn't leave them alone. The person that doesn't let go of college and is pathetic. Regardless, I just feel like shit. I feel like I can't be that guy. I see the other people on the club still at Providence College and I see them talking to each other about events and parties. I see them wanting other people that left to come back and telling other people that they miss them. Their first party is in about a week and its a tradition for those that graduated to come back and see the rest of the people on the club. I was going to go, but I don't feel like they don't want to see me, so I don't see the point. I am probably just being dramatic, then again it feels real.
On saturday I will be back at the valley, with a new frame of mind and hopefully body.
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