It was about two weeks ago today where I went to work and told my boss that I wanted Thursday to be my last day working at camp.
I have loved camp for the longest time, but it was time to move on from the typical job that was fun and safe and move on to something more risky. The most significant reason for leaving is that I need to focus on finding a job for the coming school year. It hasn't quite worked yet. Mainly, because the last week I was on Cape Cod with my family, but that is the beside the point.
It was on Thursday that I announced to the campers and staff that it was my last day. The announcement was met with a large amount of dismay. It ended with a standing ovation from the campers and a card by all of them signed. It feels difficult to leave but at the same time it was time for me to move on, a difficult decision but a decision no less.
Here I am after a few weeks off and I have finally run another mile today. It was shit, felt like shit, and I'm still recovering from a bad cough, but hell I will be able to move on to better things then soon as well.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Zero Miles
I didn't run today. I didn't run yesterday. I haven't run since my last post, whenever the hell that was.
It started as being lazy, but recently and just not cared. But recently, I caught a bad cough from the campers or counselors but regardless it has been spreading around. It has been difficult to even go to work nevermind accomplish the laborious task of running a few miles.
I guess the reason I am writing is because a lot has happened in the past few days and all of it has caused me to be miserable. There is of course the graduating and having no life thing that I could do without, but whatever, I am used to that. Recently, I have been interviewing for a teaching job in my own hometown, which would have been convenient for me and I was really looking forward to teaching. Yesterday, while waiting for a camper off of the bus, I received an email on my iphone that said they chose someone else. I was expecting a rejection but an actual tangible rejection is always something difficult to handle.
I didn't want to go out last night. I was miserable between a cough and unemployment I hated what I was going through. My dad thought it best to cure my cough through scotch. I "sipped" that down and then moved onto wine. While drinking wine I stood in the backyard and I looked up at the trees. They towered over me and the branches broke through slightly revealing the orange sky. A cardinal flew out of the branches and shot across the other side of the house. I didn't see it again.
I just went to bed after that. My parents had friends over but I just didn't want to see anyone.
I am terrified. I have no idea what my life is going to bring to me. I have no idea.
It started as being lazy, but recently and just not cared. But recently, I caught a bad cough from the campers or counselors but regardless it has been spreading around. It has been difficult to even go to work nevermind accomplish the laborious task of running a few miles.
I guess the reason I am writing is because a lot has happened in the past few days and all of it has caused me to be miserable. There is of course the graduating and having no life thing that I could do without, but whatever, I am used to that. Recently, I have been interviewing for a teaching job in my own hometown, which would have been convenient for me and I was really looking forward to teaching. Yesterday, while waiting for a camper off of the bus, I received an email on my iphone that said they chose someone else. I was expecting a rejection but an actual tangible rejection is always something difficult to handle.
I didn't want to go out last night. I was miserable between a cough and unemployment I hated what I was going through. My dad thought it best to cure my cough through scotch. I "sipped" that down and then moved onto wine. While drinking wine I stood in the backyard and I looked up at the trees. They towered over me and the branches broke through slightly revealing the orange sky. A cardinal flew out of the branches and shot across the other side of the house. I didn't see it again.
I just went to bed after that. My parents had friends over but I just didn't want to see anyone.
I am terrified. I have no idea what my life is going to bring to me. I have no idea.
Monday, July 25, 2011
A Perfect Fit
Today, I saw something that almost knocked the wind out of me.
While I was going through my sock drawer, I found a head band, made out of cloth from a cheap t-shirt. Along the front of it, written in red marker, were the letters FPXC, standing for Fairfield Prep Cross Country. If you have to ask why it is XC instead of CC, just stop reading this blog, even if you are my only reader.
So as you know I was on the Fairfield Prep Cross Country team and I can't even remember when it was, but it was during some sort of cross country event where we all made home made head bands and wore them, either for a race or for running camp in vermont. I can't remember but I do remember everyone wearing them and feeling as if I truly belonged to something.
Before my run today, I though, "What the hell." and I threw it on. It still fit me, wouldn't you know it.
It was cooler out today. I wanted to run three but my stomach started to pinch and therefore I took the turn left to do just one. I began to realize something as I was completing the mile loop, besides that Bugles are not a good strategy for a pre-run snack.
I realized that it doesn't matter where you are in life or many miles you do, or anything you do from a day to day basis. As long as it is a perfect fit for you, you can still feel good about yourself.
Like I did with that ridiculous head band I wore today.
While I was going through my sock drawer, I found a head band, made out of cloth from a cheap t-shirt. Along the front of it, written in red marker, were the letters FPXC, standing for Fairfield Prep Cross Country. If you have to ask why it is XC instead of CC, just stop reading this blog, even if you are my only reader.
So as you know I was on the Fairfield Prep Cross Country team and I can't even remember when it was, but it was during some sort of cross country event where we all made home made head bands and wore them, either for a race or for running camp in vermont. I can't remember but I do remember everyone wearing them and feeling as if I truly belonged to something.
Before my run today, I though, "What the hell." and I threw it on. It still fit me, wouldn't you know it.
It was cooler out today. I wanted to run three but my stomach started to pinch and therefore I took the turn left to do just one. I began to realize something as I was completing the mile loop, besides that Bugles are not a good strategy for a pre-run snack.
I realized that it doesn't matter where you are in life or many miles you do, or anything you do from a day to day basis. As long as it is a perfect fit for you, you can still feel good about yourself.
Like I did with that ridiculous head band I wore today.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
A Little Nudge
It has always taken a little nudge to get things done.
The call out of an enemy
The encouragement of a friend
The broken heart of a lover
The advice from a role model
For the most part, no one is ever guilty of causing someone else to act. They are merely guilty of helping them, giving them a little nudge.
This goes the same with running. The couch, my dad, or fellow teammates never ran a good or a bad race for me, they merely gave me a nudge.
Before today, it took me quite some time to run and the only thing that I can blame it on is the heat. It has been bad. It has been some of the worst heat of the summer. And yet it was just an excuse, and I let it get the better of me. That is, until I received a message from a good friend.
Jayo is someone who never needed that nudge. He is a man that goes after his dreams and his passions and he does so on his own. He is someone I have always admired. He never has faltered in that regard.
He sent me a message the other day, a few hours before I was to present a mock lesson for a teaching job in my home town. He said that my blog has helped him out and inspired him to run or at least start running. He mentioned he was plagued with the same excuses I am plagued with, and yet he would see my blog and continue to run.
It filled me with both shock and wonderment that someone who so easily did things independently and without reservation would need someone like me to help him get started but then again, everyone needs that little nudge. He said I was the one that give him a little nudge to start running. And yet, he was the one that was able to get me out there running today.
The humidity was terrible and I could barely breath. I closed in on a mile but at the same time it was a mile that was much needed. It wasn't the mileage or the speed but it was the victory of the going out there.
It was that little nudge, that was much needed,
The call out of an enemy
The encouragement of a friend
The broken heart of a lover
The advice from a role model
For the most part, no one is ever guilty of causing someone else to act. They are merely guilty of helping them, giving them a little nudge.
This goes the same with running. The couch, my dad, or fellow teammates never ran a good or a bad race for me, they merely gave me a nudge.
Before today, it took me quite some time to run and the only thing that I can blame it on is the heat. It has been bad. It has been some of the worst heat of the summer. And yet it was just an excuse, and I let it get the better of me. That is, until I received a message from a good friend.
Jayo is someone who never needed that nudge. He is a man that goes after his dreams and his passions and he does so on his own. He is someone I have always admired. He never has faltered in that regard.
He sent me a message the other day, a few hours before I was to present a mock lesson for a teaching job in my home town. He said that my blog has helped him out and inspired him to run or at least start running. He mentioned he was plagued with the same excuses I am plagued with, and yet he would see my blog and continue to run.
It filled me with both shock and wonderment that someone who so easily did things independently and without reservation would need someone like me to help him get started but then again, everyone needs that little nudge. He said I was the one that give him a little nudge to start running. And yet, he was the one that was able to get me out there running today.
The humidity was terrible and I could barely breath. I closed in on a mile but at the same time it was a mile that was much needed. It wasn't the mileage or the speed but it was the victory of the going out there.
It was that little nudge, that was much needed,
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Stop and Go
I tried to run on Friday. I got about 100 feet from the house and turned back.
I wasn't tired
I wasn't hot
My heard wasn't in it.
And ever since we were all given that cursed gift of free will we need to follow our head when we are told our head is not in it.
I woke up early on saturday which most likely would have the same thing to do with going to bed early on Friday night. I decided to go to the valley once again, like I used to do as a tradition. I saw the Prep team there. I didn't bother to go up to them. I didn't want to be the creepy high school alum, and none of them knew me or knew of me these days anyway. I just watched them from afar as my old coach drove up to the crowed of high schoolers and then I turned and ran down the railway bed.
This was the same railway bed that I suddenly decided to run four miles on a few weeks back but this time was different and I simply went two. I didn't feel like running but I figured since I got out of bed and since I drove all this way I might as well get some sort of exercise in.
Upon reaching the mile mark I saw two other people coming the other way. I saw a man in a dri-fit t-shirt that checked his watched as he sped up and I saw a rather overweight woman who saw the mile mark and stopped in relief.
I remember that I used to be the man that would check my watch at mile markers and actually give a shit about what it said. Now I don't even wear a watch. Now I can't wait to see a mile marker so that I can stop much like the probably still relieve as I write this heavy woman.
Therefore I am more out of shape than in. I guess I need an embarrassing moment, such as a bad race in front of my own coach, which will be coming in a few weeks. Until then, I shall run, when I can and unfortunately when I want to, however sloppy and pathetic I may look.
I wasn't tired
I wasn't hot
My heard wasn't in it.
And ever since we were all given that cursed gift of free will we need to follow our head when we are told our head is not in it.
I woke up early on saturday which most likely would have the same thing to do with going to bed early on Friday night. I decided to go to the valley once again, like I used to do as a tradition. I saw the Prep team there. I didn't bother to go up to them. I didn't want to be the creepy high school alum, and none of them knew me or knew of me these days anyway. I just watched them from afar as my old coach drove up to the crowed of high schoolers and then I turned and ran down the railway bed.
This was the same railway bed that I suddenly decided to run four miles on a few weeks back but this time was different and I simply went two. I didn't feel like running but I figured since I got out of bed and since I drove all this way I might as well get some sort of exercise in.
Upon reaching the mile mark I saw two other people coming the other way. I saw a man in a dri-fit t-shirt that checked his watched as he sped up and I saw a rather overweight woman who saw the mile mark and stopped in relief.
I remember that I used to be the man that would check my watch at mile markers and actually give a shit about what it said. Now I don't even wear a watch. Now I can't wait to see a mile marker so that I can stop much like the probably still relieve as I write this heavy woman.
Therefore I am more out of shape than in. I guess I need an embarrassing moment, such as a bad race in front of my own coach, which will be coming in a few weeks. Until then, I shall run, when I can and unfortunately when I want to, however sloppy and pathetic I may look.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
The First Documented Time a Runner Talked to a Lawn
I received another rejection email from a teaching position in Boston just before my run today. I have to say that wasn't the one thing that kept me below spirits when I started on my run today.
Work has been difficult lately. I have been trying to quit but it seems that in this day and age it's impossible to find another job. I have just outgrown camp. I have not been happy about the way things have been run this year. It seems any problem that there has been whether through the campers or the staff that are under me, I never seem to hear about it and the problem is just fixed by the other staff members. I feel that I am no longer significant to this camp and that if I was gone from the job it would not matter at all.
Therefore, I wasn't in what you would call the highest of spirits when I received yet another rejection after not only no offers but no interviews except for one where I didn't make the second round. I decided that I was feeling so much like shit, that I might as well run four miles because I couldn't feel worse and I could use some more time to contemplate. I realize now writing this that I shouldn't taken the more time to contemplate.
I think one form of rejection causes several other forms of rejection and depression to come to the surface. I started the run, running hard thinking about all of the girls that I see on their facebook. I see them smiling at the camera that took that picture while I know they never thought of me that way unless it was by chance that one drunken mistake. They would never say it to my face of course but I know for a fact that is the case. Physical attractiveness rules this world, and the sooner people will just fucking admit to that the better that we will be.
It was after I passed mile one where I realized that the biggest image burned into mind was the back of Ali as she walked up the stairs of the campus parking lot as I was in my car driving away through tear soaked eyes. It was the last time I would see her without the look of disdain. The next time I would see her would be at alumni weekend where she would halfheartedly explain to me that she didn't respond to my letter because there are some things she needed to say in person, and I remember me being dumb enough to fall for it.
Just before Mile 2, I began to think about my friends. I began to think about Tim and Kevin and I began to realize that as much as I was going to see them again, as much as I would keep in touch with them, they are still going to be my college friends. It will never be the same as it was this year and the year before that. Halfway between mile two and three I ran into an empty parking lot and cried my eyes out.
After I composed myself I continued on the run and I saw a perfectly groomed and mowed lawn. Each stripe as even as beautiful as the next. I looked at it.
"Fuck You. What the fuck do you know about life?"
As crazy as it is to talk to a lawn, what the hell did it know about being perfect. It thinks it could be that perfect but that's not life. That lawn will get trampled on, rained on, and it will grow into a deformed mess. That lawn didn't know shit about the real world.
Life isn't perfect. A groomed lawn isn't life.
A rejection from a job is life.
An insignificant job is life.
Being judged on your outer appearance is life
Not being over a girl after a year and a half who was never even your girlfriend is life.
Leaving your friends is life.
An empty parking lot is life.
On the last mile, I raced down a suburb seeing fireflies dances low the ground of each unkempt lawn, and it dawned on me. Life isn't perfect or uniform or ever works out right, but life can be beautiful.
Work has been difficult lately. I have been trying to quit but it seems that in this day and age it's impossible to find another job. I have just outgrown camp. I have not been happy about the way things have been run this year. It seems any problem that there has been whether through the campers or the staff that are under me, I never seem to hear about it and the problem is just fixed by the other staff members. I feel that I am no longer significant to this camp and that if I was gone from the job it would not matter at all.
Therefore, I wasn't in what you would call the highest of spirits when I received yet another rejection after not only no offers but no interviews except for one where I didn't make the second round. I decided that I was feeling so much like shit, that I might as well run four miles because I couldn't feel worse and I could use some more time to contemplate. I realize now writing this that I shouldn't taken the more time to contemplate.
I think one form of rejection causes several other forms of rejection and depression to come to the surface. I started the run, running hard thinking about all of the girls that I see on their facebook. I see them smiling at the camera that took that picture while I know they never thought of me that way unless it was by chance that one drunken mistake. They would never say it to my face of course but I know for a fact that is the case. Physical attractiveness rules this world, and the sooner people will just fucking admit to that the better that we will be.
It was after I passed mile one where I realized that the biggest image burned into mind was the back of Ali as she walked up the stairs of the campus parking lot as I was in my car driving away through tear soaked eyes. It was the last time I would see her without the look of disdain. The next time I would see her would be at alumni weekend where she would halfheartedly explain to me that she didn't respond to my letter because there are some things she needed to say in person, and I remember me being dumb enough to fall for it.
Just before Mile 2, I began to think about my friends. I began to think about Tim and Kevin and I began to realize that as much as I was going to see them again, as much as I would keep in touch with them, they are still going to be my college friends. It will never be the same as it was this year and the year before that. Halfway between mile two and three I ran into an empty parking lot and cried my eyes out.
After I composed myself I continued on the run and I saw a perfectly groomed and mowed lawn. Each stripe as even as beautiful as the next. I looked at it.
"Fuck You. What the fuck do you know about life?"
As crazy as it is to talk to a lawn, what the hell did it know about being perfect. It thinks it could be that perfect but that's not life. That lawn will get trampled on, rained on, and it will grow into a deformed mess. That lawn didn't know shit about the real world.
Life isn't perfect. A groomed lawn isn't life.
A rejection from a job is life.
An insignificant job is life.
Being judged on your outer appearance is life
Not being over a girl after a year and a half who was never even your girlfriend is life.
Leaving your friends is life.
An empty parking lot is life.
On the last mile, I raced down a suburb seeing fireflies dances low the ground of each unkempt lawn, and it dawned on me. Life isn't perfect or uniform or ever works out right, but life can be beautiful.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Four on the Fourth
After a nice long relaxing weekend on the Cape, I spent the Fourth of July getting up early to run a four mile race. That's right, while most people were resting and sleeping in on their day off, I was waking up to run four miles. I just love family traditions!
I honestly treated it like a joke. My whole family was there and I was just joking around with them about how bad I was going to do. Which was just a disguise for my insecurity of actually not being good at running anymore.
When the air horn blew, I struggled to elbow through the crowd and fought to maintain a steady powerful pace. It was around this time, that I ran into my cousin, Neil. He had a good stride when I snuck up behind him. Upon running next to him, he turned to me.
"There is no way we can pick up this pace."
"You're damn right, we can't."
He was absolutely right and we both fell behind. On the first hill, I slowed down considerably and saw him once again. I turned to him smiling.
"You were right."
It was at this point that Neil passed me and went ahead by about 25 feet. There we were, cousins pinned against each other. He was ahead of me but we were going at the same pace. For the next mile, I slowly reel him in and make no progress.
Finally, there is a downhill and I let gravity take me as I quickly pass unfunny quips that annoying kids made in chalk below us. I pass Neil as soon as possible and run ahead as far as I could. When running alone, I realize, "Shit, I have no one to run with, I should have stayed with Neil."
I finished in 32 minutes. That is not great for a race, but I was goofing off most of the run and I wasn't taking it seriously. I will however take it more serious when I run the Trumbull Sunset Run, I will take things more serious.
I honestly treated it like a joke. My whole family was there and I was just joking around with them about how bad I was going to do. Which was just a disguise for my insecurity of actually not being good at running anymore.
When the air horn blew, I struggled to elbow through the crowd and fought to maintain a steady powerful pace. It was around this time, that I ran into my cousin, Neil. He had a good stride when I snuck up behind him. Upon running next to him, he turned to me.
"There is no way we can pick up this pace."
"You're damn right, we can't."
He was absolutely right and we both fell behind. On the first hill, I slowed down considerably and saw him once again. I turned to him smiling.
"You were right."
It was at this point that Neil passed me and went ahead by about 25 feet. There we were, cousins pinned against each other. He was ahead of me but we were going at the same pace. For the next mile, I slowly reel him in and make no progress.
Finally, there is a downhill and I let gravity take me as I quickly pass unfunny quips that annoying kids made in chalk below us. I pass Neil as soon as possible and run ahead as far as I could. When running alone, I realize, "Shit, I have no one to run with, I should have stayed with Neil."
I finished in 32 minutes. That is not great for a race, but I was goofing off most of the run and I wasn't taking it seriously. I will however take it more serious when I run the Trumbull Sunset Run, I will take things more serious.
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