I never did them that often, but finally it was a day that was much too hot and I needed to wait until the sun went down and for it to cool off. So after a day of sweating in the house and applying for teaching jobs, I hit the road at 9 PM for a quick mile run. I haven't felt this good running in a very long time. While dodging headlights and praying for a streetlight to show up on a darkened stretch of road, I never felt stronger. I finished strong and didn't feel absolutely terrible after the run. I don't want to speak too soon, but I think my one mile days are close to the end.
I went to a funeral today. It was for one of my high school teachers. He worked at my high school for fifty years and touched generations of students and changed their lives through inspiration. As I sat in the church saddened by the loss of a mentor, I began to also have worries and concerns. Will I ever be this kind of teacher? Will I ever change students lives for the better? Will I even be able to touch their lives or be a positive role model for them at all? Any friend I have would easily tell me yes to any of those things, but I just can't imagine it happening. So while my concerns of being in shape or slowly beginning to dwindle. My future still looks as dark as my run tonight. I just hope that I will eventually find that streetlight.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Monday, May 30, 2011
Excuses Never Take a Holiday
In the past few days, excuses have gotten the better of me. On Wednesday after a day of subbing for a gym teacher, I mowed the lawn in the heat and then was too hot and tired to run that day.
On Thursday, I substitute taught art to preschoolers. After a day of tracing butterflies, I fell right on the bed and woke up in time to meet my friend Matt for a movie.
On Friday, I taught middle school students about the earth's core and then drove up to Cape Cod to meet my family for Memorial Day weekend.
I never run well when I am on vacation, even back when I was in shape and as time went on it was even more difficult to run. There never seems to be the time. Do I run in the morning when I am hungover and sunburnt or do I run in the evening where I'm covered in salt and sand, sunburnt, and slightly buzzed full of a bunch of Sam Adam's Summer Ales. My parents have been able to master running hungover. However, I still cannot get the muster to run in the morning when I am normal never mind hungover. Honestly, I know that I am just making excuses, but I do have issues running during vacation. If not becuase of the state of my physical essence, just the principle of running when I am not supposed to be doing anything.
In short, I haven't run from Wednesday to Sunday because I was making excuses.
I came back from the cape today and upon doing so I immediately unpacked and went for a run to make up for lost time and upon starting the run, a flashback came back into play.
It was my sophomore year of high school and I was doing fantastic on the team. I made the varsity and was able to run in the conference finals, and to do that as a sophomore is a fantastic honor. I was very excited and nervous for the big race. The gun went off and I was racing along side of some of the best in the state. At about a hundred yards in, I feel my laces slapping against my leg, and my shoe was untied. Of course an untied shoe is not as bad as any muscle torn but a head case like myself let it bother me more than anything could possibly have bothered me before. I finished the race with a lousy time in a lousy place. I crossed the line, let my head hang low and laid down to tie my shoe.
Since then, my shoe has been tied tightly around my ankle for every single run, both of them, until today. I looked down and I saw that my shoe was untied only after a few moments of my run. As I bent down to tie my shoe, looking like an idiot. I thought about that race. I thought about where I stood then and where I stood now. I was upset then about a 19 minute 5K and now I am treating one mile a day an accomplishment. It's difficult but I am chosing the worst time of year to try to get back in shape. But if I don't do it now, then I don't know when I will do it.
I was thinking that a one mile run today would be no problem. It was very hot today but I have been running somewhat regularly. It wasn't the heat that was getting to me, but my stomach began to feel heavy. I barely finished. It does bother me that I still feel one mile as a burden. I just hope that eventually that will end.
There has been alot on my mind recently. It has been two weeks since I have graduated. I haven't felt much different but I have been getting anxious. I can't pinpoint why exactly. I have just not felt in the right frame of mind. While there were times on my vacation this weekend that I felt relaxed other times I was beginning to feel bothered about something that I couldn't quite put my finger on.
In other news, I talked to Ali once again for the first time since this year's alumni weekend. It didn't go well. I suppose I can tell the whole story, now.
Ali was a friend of mine, with whom I met on BOP my freshman year when she was a sophmore. She is a perky, beautiful girl that was one of the sweetest most kindest I have ever met. She always had a way of making me smile. I always wanted to tell her how I felt but never had the guts. When I came back my junior year, her senior year, she had a boyfriend. It crushed me because we were such close friends and she never told me about him. I had to hear it from someone else. I would be upset all year, crying to all of my friends, but I never told her. Until one night towards the end of the year, when I had a quite a few beers and she beat it out of me. She said after she heard this confession that she saw a maturity in me that she never saw before and she became attracted to me and kissed me one night drunk and one night sober, still with her boyfriend from back home. It kind of threw me into a confusion that I still haven't been over. I tried to make things better by coming into contact with her again during the alumni weekend. When I found out she had a different boyfriend over the past year. Which put me in a large amount of pain that was worse than before. I try to say that I am over her, but I can't quite decide if I am or not. I guess this is something that is going to be swimming around in my head for quite some time. It must have to do with graduating and the transition.
I guess that Ali is going to be my untied shoe for quite some time.
On Thursday, I substitute taught art to preschoolers. After a day of tracing butterflies, I fell right on the bed and woke up in time to meet my friend Matt for a movie.
On Friday, I taught middle school students about the earth's core and then drove up to Cape Cod to meet my family for Memorial Day weekend.
I never run well when I am on vacation, even back when I was in shape and as time went on it was even more difficult to run. There never seems to be the time. Do I run in the morning when I am hungover and sunburnt or do I run in the evening where I'm covered in salt and sand, sunburnt, and slightly buzzed full of a bunch of Sam Adam's Summer Ales. My parents have been able to master running hungover. However, I still cannot get the muster to run in the morning when I am normal never mind hungover. Honestly, I know that I am just making excuses, but I do have issues running during vacation. If not becuase of the state of my physical essence, just the principle of running when I am not supposed to be doing anything.
In short, I haven't run from Wednesday to Sunday because I was making excuses.
I came back from the cape today and upon doing so I immediately unpacked and went for a run to make up for lost time and upon starting the run, a flashback came back into play.
It was my sophomore year of high school and I was doing fantastic on the team. I made the varsity and was able to run in the conference finals, and to do that as a sophomore is a fantastic honor. I was very excited and nervous for the big race. The gun went off and I was racing along side of some of the best in the state. At about a hundred yards in, I feel my laces slapping against my leg, and my shoe was untied. Of course an untied shoe is not as bad as any muscle torn but a head case like myself let it bother me more than anything could possibly have bothered me before. I finished the race with a lousy time in a lousy place. I crossed the line, let my head hang low and laid down to tie my shoe.
Since then, my shoe has been tied tightly around my ankle for every single run, both of them, until today. I looked down and I saw that my shoe was untied only after a few moments of my run. As I bent down to tie my shoe, looking like an idiot. I thought about that race. I thought about where I stood then and where I stood now. I was upset then about a 19 minute 5K and now I am treating one mile a day an accomplishment. It's difficult but I am chosing the worst time of year to try to get back in shape. But if I don't do it now, then I don't know when I will do it.
I was thinking that a one mile run today would be no problem. It was very hot today but I have been running somewhat regularly. It wasn't the heat that was getting to me, but my stomach began to feel heavy. I barely finished. It does bother me that I still feel one mile as a burden. I just hope that eventually that will end.
There has been alot on my mind recently. It has been two weeks since I have graduated. I haven't felt much different but I have been getting anxious. I can't pinpoint why exactly. I have just not felt in the right frame of mind. While there were times on my vacation this weekend that I felt relaxed other times I was beginning to feel bothered about something that I couldn't quite put my finger on.
In other news, I talked to Ali once again for the first time since this year's alumni weekend. It didn't go well. I suppose I can tell the whole story, now.
Ali was a friend of mine, with whom I met on BOP my freshman year when she was a sophmore. She is a perky, beautiful girl that was one of the sweetest most kindest I have ever met. She always had a way of making me smile. I always wanted to tell her how I felt but never had the guts. When I came back my junior year, her senior year, she had a boyfriend. It crushed me because we were such close friends and she never told me about him. I had to hear it from someone else. I would be upset all year, crying to all of my friends, but I never told her. Until one night towards the end of the year, when I had a quite a few beers and she beat it out of me. She said after she heard this confession that she saw a maturity in me that she never saw before and she became attracted to me and kissed me one night drunk and one night sober, still with her boyfriend from back home. It kind of threw me into a confusion that I still haven't been over. I tried to make things better by coming into contact with her again during the alumni weekend. When I found out she had a different boyfriend over the past year. Which put me in a large amount of pain that was worse than before. I try to say that I am over her, but I can't quite decide if I am or not. I guess this is something that is going to be swimming around in my head for quite some time. It must have to do with graduating and the transition.
I guess that Ali is going to be my untied shoe for quite some time.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
I May Slow Down...But I Will Not Stop
I saw this sage like advice on a poster back in high school when I was a runner. I saw the message on the poster and thought, that is exactly the way that I am as a runner. I may slow down at times and things may get rough, but I will not quit. I will never give up.
Well over the past four years, I have given up and it's not until now, when I have shuffled off this collegiate coil, that I have started to try to get back into shape again. Maybe the past four years have been a manner of slowing down, but in actuality I definitley stopped.
For some reason, during today's run I thought about that poster. I have no idea why today it came out of nowhere but maybe it was becuase the route that I usually run today is one that I have stopped at, at the top of the hill, several times when I was having a bad day, even when in shape. Today I suppose my goal was that as much as I could slow down I would not stop. This went through my mind as I was running up the hill. I felt terrible. Everything was sore. But that statement rang true in my mind, "I will slow down but I will not stop." Before I knew it, I was over the hill.
On my way down I noticed someone in running gear, walking at the bottom of the hill. As I continued to approach I could tell that he noticed me, and he began to start running. It was something I would occasionally do, I took a break but then felt guilty when a judgmental stranger saw me that I would start running again. I can't imagine why, but at that moment I said, "I could beat this guy."
This was the first competition I have had in a very very long time and I wanted to make something happen. I went on the other side of the road, to make it look like I didn't care if I passed him or not, when we all know that I did. I came up closer to him. He had on high top sneakers, long gym shorts, and a baseball cap. Obviously someone that didn't know what he was doing. I have been running short distances and slow paces that past few days but I at least look the part. As I came up closer to him, he began to look like someone that I knew. There was a runner back in high school from another school that used to do terrible, his name was Kevin. Then sometime during our junior year he began to become fantastic and would surpass me in every way. He began to win state honors and awards and then was so good that he was no longer on my radar screen. I never ran for the glory of it. But it always bothered me that he did better than me. As selfish and arrogant as that sounds. Seeing the back of him began to remind me of him, and I began to think how amazing it would be if I beat him.
I was practically next to him on the other side of the street when he looked over at me. I realized it wasn't Kevin. It was actually some older guy with a mustache. I was somewhat dissapointed but then I realized something. I was in this guy's head now. He looked back. This is the cardinal sin of running. If you look back at the person behind you in a race, it means you are worried about the runner behind you. Which means you might as well invite that runner to try and pass you. Therefore, on the other side of the street, I began to pass him and got a steady lead. I then crossed the street and I was in front of him. I imagined the coach in me telling me what to do in my head. "Don't look back Sean. Keep a steady pace. Slowly Lengthen that lead."
It hurt. It hurt so much. I just kept on saying to myself not to slow down. Occasionally, a car would go by and snap me out of it and I would speed up once again. I took the turn up a slight uphill and then powered across my front lawn. I felt like I was in a race again. I was scared of the person in front of me. I pushed it to the absolute limit. I made it hurt. That guy probably didn't even care about me. He was probably just another schmo trying to get into shape. But it still felt good to at least feel like I was a racer again, even though I am not even close to that speed.
Well over the past four years, I have given up and it's not until now, when I have shuffled off this collegiate coil, that I have started to try to get back into shape again. Maybe the past four years have been a manner of slowing down, but in actuality I definitley stopped.
For some reason, during today's run I thought about that poster. I have no idea why today it came out of nowhere but maybe it was becuase the route that I usually run today is one that I have stopped at, at the top of the hill, several times when I was having a bad day, even when in shape. Today I suppose my goal was that as much as I could slow down I would not stop. This went through my mind as I was running up the hill. I felt terrible. Everything was sore. But that statement rang true in my mind, "I will slow down but I will not stop." Before I knew it, I was over the hill.
On my way down I noticed someone in running gear, walking at the bottom of the hill. As I continued to approach I could tell that he noticed me, and he began to start running. It was something I would occasionally do, I took a break but then felt guilty when a judgmental stranger saw me that I would start running again. I can't imagine why, but at that moment I said, "I could beat this guy."
This was the first competition I have had in a very very long time and I wanted to make something happen. I went on the other side of the road, to make it look like I didn't care if I passed him or not, when we all know that I did. I came up closer to him. He had on high top sneakers, long gym shorts, and a baseball cap. Obviously someone that didn't know what he was doing. I have been running short distances and slow paces that past few days but I at least look the part. As I came up closer to him, he began to look like someone that I knew. There was a runner back in high school from another school that used to do terrible, his name was Kevin. Then sometime during our junior year he began to become fantastic and would surpass me in every way. He began to win state honors and awards and then was so good that he was no longer on my radar screen. I never ran for the glory of it. But it always bothered me that he did better than me. As selfish and arrogant as that sounds. Seeing the back of him began to remind me of him, and I began to think how amazing it would be if I beat him.
I was practically next to him on the other side of the street when he looked over at me. I realized it wasn't Kevin. It was actually some older guy with a mustache. I was somewhat dissapointed but then I realized something. I was in this guy's head now. He looked back. This is the cardinal sin of running. If you look back at the person behind you in a race, it means you are worried about the runner behind you. Which means you might as well invite that runner to try and pass you. Therefore, on the other side of the street, I began to pass him and got a steady lead. I then crossed the street and I was in front of him. I imagined the coach in me telling me what to do in my head. "Don't look back Sean. Keep a steady pace. Slowly Lengthen that lead."
It hurt. It hurt so much. I just kept on saying to myself not to slow down. Occasionally, a car would go by and snap me out of it and I would speed up once again. I took the turn up a slight uphill and then powered across my front lawn. I felt like I was in a race again. I was scared of the person in front of me. I pushed it to the absolute limit. I made it hurt. That guy probably didn't even care about me. He was probably just another schmo trying to get into shape. But it still felt good to at least feel like I was a racer again, even though I am not even close to that speed.
Monday, May 23, 2011
The Gift of Two Days in a Row
It's my birthday today. I'm one of those people that don't really care about their birthday. It's not that I'm like a depressed individual that thinks it's one step closer to death or a cynical individual that thinks there is nothing to celebrate, it's just that no one else (except for my friends) really celebrates a birthday, so why should I care that much. I guess that's a selfish reason but it's a reason no less.
It was raining today. I used to love running in the rain. Coming back after an 8 mile run soaked to the bone would always make me feel like a million bucks. However, now I look out the window at the rain soaked streets and shudder to think of a one mile run. It was for that reason that I decided to lace up the sneaks and go for a run for the second day in a row, which I haven't done for quite some time.
Upon putting on my running shorts and shoes, I began to feel weak from the day before, with good reason, even though it was only a mile it was the first run in a while, but I went out there anyway. The run felt okay, which means I may just graduate to 2 miles tomorrow. Things begin to look up, and there are going to be more setbacks on my way back to being in shape. I mean, there were plenty of set backs when I was actually in shape so I expect many on my road to there.
It's going to be okay.
It was raining today. I used to love running in the rain. Coming back after an 8 mile run soaked to the bone would always make me feel like a million bucks. However, now I look out the window at the rain soaked streets and shudder to think of a one mile run. It was for that reason that I decided to lace up the sneaks and go for a run for the second day in a row, which I haven't done for quite some time.
Upon putting on my running shorts and shoes, I began to feel weak from the day before, with good reason, even though it was only a mile it was the first run in a while, but I went out there anyway. The run felt okay, which means I may just graduate to 2 miles tomorrow. Things begin to look up, and there are going to be more setbacks on my way back to being in shape. I mean, there were plenty of set backs when I was actually in shape so I expect many on my road to there.
It's going to be okay.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
A Bleak Start to the Next Chapter
It's been a while since I wrote, but mainly because it's been a while since I have ran. I occasionally tried but through student teaching and the long winter months, followed by a bad cough, it's been tough to get out there. I tried once, after I was done with student teaching, but a cough, which I had for about a month came back right after the run. My mom has been telling me not to blame the run on the cough that is still present now since the last time I ran. I have been weary about running since just becuase I would hate for this terrible cough to continue. Yet, today, I began to grow impatient and I figured that a one mile run could barely do any damage and would help me get back into the game. Therefore I went for a one mile run.
It felt suprisingly good. After a weekend of driving all over new england for graduation parties and eating nothing but fast food and barbeque, I expected to feel much worse. But I felt okay, for the first 3/4 of a mile. Even though I assume I was going painfully slow. It was the last 1/4 of a mile that was the most difficult. I began to feel pain and the lack of regular running for the past few years began to show. I simply ran through the pain and finally finished in my front yard.
In regards to my personal life it has been quite the whirlwind over the past few weeks. The best way to sum it up is that I just graduated from college. I had to say goodbye to my best friends and also had to say goodbye to the best group of people I know, BOP. I then had to move out of my house and leave the life of booze and books. It really wasn't easy. Not to mention that I am terrified about the next chapter of my life. Will I amount to anything? It is going to be a decent life? What desicisions can I make in order to have a decent life? There are several questions and concerns and pretty much everything has me in worries. Not to mention, I am saying goodbye to being a student and being coddled by my parents for so long. I guess for now, running will be the only thing that will save me from these thoughts and keep me from going absolutely insane.
Recently, upon moving back home I decided to go through everything in my desk drawers from both college and home to be able to clear out everything. Upon doing this I found a letter from my confirmation sponsor who was also my cross country and track captain. He was the inspiration to keep me going through my most difficult times even after he graduated. Anyway, he wrote me a letter from my confirmation which had to do with setting goals and having a burning passion and it had to do with those two elements and how I handled them out on the track. I began to break down into tears while reading this letter. Not just because I miss a close personal friend of mine but because I miss having a passion for something and I miss having definite goals. I miss wanting to run, experiencing the runner's high and loving the eight mile runs. But I also miss caring for something truly and having a passion. I also miss having goals.
I don't exactly know what lies ahead for me but I need to certianly be sure that I pick up the passion and goals that I used to posses in high school. I suppose that all starts, whith a single mile.
It felt suprisingly good. After a weekend of driving all over new england for graduation parties and eating nothing but fast food and barbeque, I expected to feel much worse. But I felt okay, for the first 3/4 of a mile. Even though I assume I was going painfully slow. It was the last 1/4 of a mile that was the most difficult. I began to feel pain and the lack of regular running for the past few years began to show. I simply ran through the pain and finally finished in my front yard.
In regards to my personal life it has been quite the whirlwind over the past few weeks. The best way to sum it up is that I just graduated from college. I had to say goodbye to my best friends and also had to say goodbye to the best group of people I know, BOP. I then had to move out of my house and leave the life of booze and books. It really wasn't easy. Not to mention that I am terrified about the next chapter of my life. Will I amount to anything? It is going to be a decent life? What desicisions can I make in order to have a decent life? There are several questions and concerns and pretty much everything has me in worries. Not to mention, I am saying goodbye to being a student and being coddled by my parents for so long. I guess for now, running will be the only thing that will save me from these thoughts and keep me from going absolutely insane.
Recently, upon moving back home I decided to go through everything in my desk drawers from both college and home to be able to clear out everything. Upon doing this I found a letter from my confirmation sponsor who was also my cross country and track captain. He was the inspiration to keep me going through my most difficult times even after he graduated. Anyway, he wrote me a letter from my confirmation which had to do with setting goals and having a burning passion and it had to do with those two elements and how I handled them out on the track. I began to break down into tears while reading this letter. Not just because I miss a close personal friend of mine but because I miss having a passion for something and I miss having definite goals. I miss wanting to run, experiencing the runner's high and loving the eight mile runs. But I also miss caring for something truly and having a passion. I also miss having goals.
I don't exactly know what lies ahead for me but I need to certianly be sure that I pick up the passion and goals that I used to posses in high school. I suppose that all starts, whith a single mile.
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