It was at around 5 PM after a day of lounging around, eating christmas cookie, drinking egg nog, and failing at christmas shopping, that I decided to make the effort to go for a run. I put on the typical outfit of long sleeve shirt and running shorts and made the effort to go for a one mile run. While bouncing up and down as the garage door opened and feeling the chill of the winter air, I thought to myself, "This is going to be a mistake." My thought process was right on track.
I was simply going for a run. I just used the mechanics I have been taught since birth: putting one leg in front of the other in an accelerated motion. But I always forgot the difficulties of running in the winter. The fact that the temperature is low means that it is damn near impossible to breath. Also exposed legs lead to a very uncomfortable situation regardless of however quick a run may be. There are also the difficulties of running at night. Whether it's having to dart onto a yard whenever you see headlights or just in general having the feeling of being alone and stuck just simply thinking.
In reality, I'm heartbroken. Not about anyone in general but I just simply feel alone in the relationship department. For too long I have either been used for a moment and then cast aside or I have been toyed with for whatever the reason and then just left alone. I have been denied for friends of mine and just constantly and consistently rejected. I don't blame any of them. It's probably the way I act or the way I am. This is very off topic for a blog like this, but it was what I was thinking of during my run and as any runner knows it's impossible to shake what your thinking on a run. I guess the reason I am posting this now is that I just need to wonder. What's it all for? Why run? I'm doing it to keep in shape to keep from getting fat so that I can get a girl, but why bother with that if what I'm doing now never seems to work anyway. These are stupid whiny thoughts and they don't seem to make any sense but I guess becuase I am moving on into the real world soon. It seems unlikely for me to succeed in anything regarding a relationship.
I finished my run today. It hurt. I am still hacking away trying to cough up the cold temperatures that I was heavily breathing in for about ten minutes. I felt like I was going to throw up, which I haven't done since I've earned that feeling back when I was on a team. I finished something. Now if I can only start something.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Excuses Excuses
I don't know when my next post will be. I don't think it terribly matters. No one is really reading this except for one person that I'm sure by now has come to his senses and stopped trying to look for newer updates that just don't exist anymore.
It's simply that I am too busy. There are two more weeks left of regular classes and then a week of finals and it just seems like I am never going to get around to be able to run. I want to run. I want to be able to feel better about myself again. It just doesn't seem likely for quite some time.
My mom said that my best days of running are ahead of me. I am going to do everything I can to prove her right.
It's simply that I am too busy. There are two more weeks left of regular classes and then a week of finals and it just seems like I am never going to get around to be able to run. I want to run. I want to be able to feel better about myself again. It just doesn't seem likely for quite some time.
My mom said that my best days of running are ahead of me. I am going to do everything I can to prove her right.
Full Circle Once Again
I started this blog my junior year before Thanksgiving in hopes that I would train for the Turkey Trot 5 Mile race on Thanksgiving and shock my old buddies on the cross country team showing them that I would be in shape and do very well there. Well I started off strong and then just got too busy and then it didn't happen. The race was a rough one, and I obviously ran five miles untrained and therefore very slow. That was a year ago. Since then, I must've posted on this blog once or twice and throughout the year with hopeful posts saying that I was getting back in the swing of things and starting to train again. You could've probably guessed through the lack of posts after that, I did no such thing. I did run the race this Thanksgiving once again, though. This time with much less training then the year before.
I woke up that morning excited. Not to run five miles but to see old friends that I haven't yet seen. When I arrived, I knew no one. The alumni, that were much younger than me now, were greeted enthusiastically by a team of runners of which I knew no one. I was too old now to be missed, too old to be known. I was never good enough to break a record and have my plaque on a wall, so my name was non-existant to these high school dream chasers. There was nothing to do but let these depressing thoughts drift in and out of my head as I stand near the Fairfield Prep tent, awkwardly.
It was at this moment that I ran into two captains that were a year ahead of me, Kevin and Rob. They were good friends of mine and it was great to see them, once again. Rob suggested we do a Warm Up. "Warm Up?" I thought to myself, "Warm Up for what? Like I'm actually looking for a good time in this race, I'm just looking to finish." But when Kevin agreed, who was I to turn it down. The three of us jogging down the road truly felt like old times. Joking about my "hot mom", talking trash about past runners, and in general just remembering what used to go on during those ten mile runs we always were on. It was more than just running. It was more than just training. It was a brotherhood that should be cherished while it happens. I wish I was able to know that then or be able to tell it to the current runners, but they would never believe me until it was too late.
It was when the gun went off that nostalgia faded and reality set in...
It's always chaotic at the beginning of a race, there are pile ups pushing shoving. Everyone is one place and is expected to move forward as fast as possible. One person was running backwards becuase they lost there shoe in the pile up. It's always a mess. Kevin was gone when the gun went off, that was expected. He went to Navy and therefore never had the opportunity to get out of shape like most college students. I was with Rob for as much as you can be with someone in the beginning of the race. While must people struggled to advance in the crowd, Rob and I knew what we were doing. We hopped off the road and onto the sidewalk (completely legal but out of the way) and ran ahead of the crowd as much as we can. After that it was a matter of weaving. While weaving, Rob started to move much faster than me. When things started to settle, I saw Rob's back dissappear into the crowd. It became very apparant that I would be running the next five miles alone.
The race consisted of me attempting to push the pace and then failing. When you do poor in a race it seems like there are always people passing you throughout the race, and such was the feeling this Thanksgiving. It would always be difficult to see the 50 year old women in a painters cap, or the 12 year old boy in only underarmour gliding past you effortlessly, but it's part of the job as a runner to swallow your pride and continue pressing on.
It was the fifth mile when I began to hear music. I was either dead or everyone else could hear it too. When it became louder, I realized that a girl had her headphones too loud, while listening to Usher. When we turned the corner to head towards the finish. This music helped me push ahead and beat her over the line. I knew the thought of every person watching us, "Who the hell does that asshole think he is, he's in 800th place what does it matter if he beats someone or not?" I know that was what they were thinking because whenever I saw that person I thought the same thing. I now know, that it was still important for them to know they had something to push for, to compete against. They wanted to have purpose and feel important just one more time.
After walking through the shoot, I walked back to the tent, happy it was over, and greeted by fellow former teammates and sarcastic applause. I simply embraced it. I may have been gone from a team for quite some time, but I was still a part of something. I was still able to kneel down with ten other team members when our coach, holding a camera, requested that we take a Captain's picture. I'm still a captain, however much I may have fallen.
I woke up that morning excited. Not to run five miles but to see old friends that I haven't yet seen. When I arrived, I knew no one. The alumni, that were much younger than me now, were greeted enthusiastically by a team of runners of which I knew no one. I was too old now to be missed, too old to be known. I was never good enough to break a record and have my plaque on a wall, so my name was non-existant to these high school dream chasers. There was nothing to do but let these depressing thoughts drift in and out of my head as I stand near the Fairfield Prep tent, awkwardly.
It was at this moment that I ran into two captains that were a year ahead of me, Kevin and Rob. They were good friends of mine and it was great to see them, once again. Rob suggested we do a Warm Up. "Warm Up?" I thought to myself, "Warm Up for what? Like I'm actually looking for a good time in this race, I'm just looking to finish." But when Kevin agreed, who was I to turn it down. The three of us jogging down the road truly felt like old times. Joking about my "hot mom", talking trash about past runners, and in general just remembering what used to go on during those ten mile runs we always were on. It was more than just running. It was more than just training. It was a brotherhood that should be cherished while it happens. I wish I was able to know that then or be able to tell it to the current runners, but they would never believe me until it was too late.
It was when the gun went off that nostalgia faded and reality set in...
It's always chaotic at the beginning of a race, there are pile ups pushing shoving. Everyone is one place and is expected to move forward as fast as possible. One person was running backwards becuase they lost there shoe in the pile up. It's always a mess. Kevin was gone when the gun went off, that was expected. He went to Navy and therefore never had the opportunity to get out of shape like most college students. I was with Rob for as much as you can be with someone in the beginning of the race. While must people struggled to advance in the crowd, Rob and I knew what we were doing. We hopped off the road and onto the sidewalk (completely legal but out of the way) and ran ahead of the crowd as much as we can. After that it was a matter of weaving. While weaving, Rob started to move much faster than me. When things started to settle, I saw Rob's back dissappear into the crowd. It became very apparant that I would be running the next five miles alone.
The race consisted of me attempting to push the pace and then failing. When you do poor in a race it seems like there are always people passing you throughout the race, and such was the feeling this Thanksgiving. It would always be difficult to see the 50 year old women in a painters cap, or the 12 year old boy in only underarmour gliding past you effortlessly, but it's part of the job as a runner to swallow your pride and continue pressing on.
It was the fifth mile when I began to hear music. I was either dead or everyone else could hear it too. When it became louder, I realized that a girl had her headphones too loud, while listening to Usher. When we turned the corner to head towards the finish. This music helped me push ahead and beat her over the line. I knew the thought of every person watching us, "Who the hell does that asshole think he is, he's in 800th place what does it matter if he beats someone or not?" I know that was what they were thinking because whenever I saw that person I thought the same thing. I now know, that it was still important for them to know they had something to push for, to compete against. They wanted to have purpose and feel important just one more time.
After walking through the shoot, I walked back to the tent, happy it was over, and greeted by fellow former teammates and sarcastic applause. I simply embraced it. I may have been gone from a team for quite some time, but I was still a part of something. I was still able to kneel down with ten other team members when our coach, holding a camera, requested that we take a Captain's picture. I'm still a captain, however much I may have fallen.
Monday, September 27, 2010
The Road Not Taken
There's always the expression that it never get's any easier. After my experience today I have to say that it sometimes does get easier. I ran once last week, waking up early in hopes of refurbishing my old talent after a summer of idle movement and the passing recovery of a recent minor surgery. This didn't seem to work out however, I was barely able to move faster than the pace of a pregnant cow and half way through I had to use the facilities in the most intense way possible (A rear exit).
Therefore, when I laced up the shoes today, I was expecting a similiar outcome, so I made the point that today, I was going to do just to a quick run to make the attempts at getting back into the swing of things. So is the original score from the movie Rudy in my head I set out on my run. But this time, something wonderous happened, I felt amazing. Each stride I took along the pavement was stronger than the next and I was beginning to feel as if I was running on air.
I checked my pulse to make sure I wasn't dead and continued running to this glorious feeling. I then reached the road I was going to turn down to make this a shorter run. There was no thought in the matter, I kept going straight. Running in the city leaves you several opportunities to cut the run short, thanks to its square grid structure, but not one of these roads seemed appealing to me. This feeling was too great to leave to a shorter run. I then joined in with a route I used to take as an in shape freshman just starting my college career, and now as a lowly senior entering the real world, it's good to know that there are still going to be days that will be good, for no particular reason at all. I stopped running at my off-campus house, and went inside, optimistic about the next few moments of my life.
Therefore, when I laced up the shoes today, I was expecting a similiar outcome, so I made the point that today, I was going to do just to a quick run to make the attempts at getting back into the swing of things. So is the original score from the movie Rudy in my head I set out on my run. But this time, something wonderous happened, I felt amazing. Each stride I took along the pavement was stronger than the next and I was beginning to feel as if I was running on air.
I checked my pulse to make sure I wasn't dead and continued running to this glorious feeling. I then reached the road I was going to turn down to make this a shorter run. There was no thought in the matter, I kept going straight. Running in the city leaves you several opportunities to cut the run short, thanks to its square grid structure, but not one of these roads seemed appealing to me. This feeling was too great to leave to a shorter run. I then joined in with a route I used to take as an in shape freshman just starting my college career, and now as a lowly senior entering the real world, it's good to know that there are still going to be days that will be good, for no particular reason at all. I stopped running at my off-campus house, and went inside, optimistic about the next few moments of my life.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Once Again the Beginning
It's been a while. I don't think there is anyone following this blog but needlessly to say if there is anyone out there, It's pretty obvious to you guys that I didn't finish my goal. I ran the Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving, but that last time I ran since that was the last post that I wrote. Needless to say, I didn't feel so well. Those five miles were quite the torture for me. It was one of those races where I started out strong for the first mile or so and spent the rest of the race watching people go around me. It wasn't much of a boost for my confidence. There was a point at around the third mile where I heard a group of commotion from behind me. There was a group of runners causing quite a ruckus, and I knew exactly who it was. Unlike when I was on the team, the current Fairfield Prep Cross Country Team, had a race that weekend. Therefore, pushing hard during a five mile road race a few days before wouldn't be the best strategy, so they ran it as if it were a training run. Therefore, they didn't run it fast, and like the team did when we ran training runs, they were goofing around, so when I saw a bunch of young teenagers screaming yelling and chanting "USA!" I knew exactly what team was going to pass me.
I wasn't emberassed that they were passing me. I was out of shape and they were in shape. There was such a difference between me and the group that there was no surprise that there training pace was slightly faster than my race pace. I was, however, beginning to grow sad becuase I was looking at what I used to be, not just in shape, but having fun with a team. Being a part of something that I haven't even kept in touch with that well. It was upsetting to me that almost everything that my high school was, has been nothing but a memory. It was as if I was looking at a huge part of me, that was no longer with me. It was not the way I wanted things to be, but I was grown up now, so I had to keep on moving, through life and through the race.
That has all been in the past now. Not much has happened since then, in regards to running. Classes have come and gone, lovers came and went, and friends are still standing strong. I don't know if there is any way that I will be able to develop a regular running schedule at school. I can't seem to have the time or sometimes is the motivation. I don't know what made me go out there and run today. I dont really have the time. I am currently working two jobs and studying for my Praxis exams, so I can use the excuse that I don't have time, but for some reason today after quite a few months of a complete lack of motion, I was putting on my running shorts and doing a few sit ups before a mile run. It wasn't much of a distance but boy did it knock me on my ass. I came back in less then ten minutes soaked in sweat. This is only the beginning. It is once again the beginning
I wasn't emberassed that they were passing me. I was out of shape and they were in shape. There was such a difference between me and the group that there was no surprise that there training pace was slightly faster than my race pace. I was, however, beginning to grow sad becuase I was looking at what I used to be, not just in shape, but having fun with a team. Being a part of something that I haven't even kept in touch with that well. It was upsetting to me that almost everything that my high school was, has been nothing but a memory. It was as if I was looking at a huge part of me, that was no longer with me. It was not the way I wanted things to be, but I was grown up now, so I had to keep on moving, through life and through the race.
That has all been in the past now. Not much has happened since then, in regards to running. Classes have come and gone, lovers came and went, and friends are still standing strong. I don't know if there is any way that I will be able to develop a regular running schedule at school. I can't seem to have the time or sometimes is the motivation. I don't know what made me go out there and run today. I dont really have the time. I am currently working two jobs and studying for my Praxis exams, so I can use the excuse that I don't have time, but for some reason today after quite a few months of a complete lack of motion, I was putting on my running shorts and doing a few sit ups before a mile run. It wasn't much of a distance but boy did it knock me on my ass. I came back in less then ten minutes soaked in sweat. This is only the beginning. It is once again the beginning
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