The Strain of a Smile

Between a math quiz wednesday, a math test thursday, and another math test on friday. I still managed to find time to run on one day last week. I guess I could call last week a hiccup, and for good reason. The work was piling up pretty thoroughly and I just did not have the time or daylight to even think about starting a run. The only time I was able to run was on Thursday morning and I can't even take credit for that one time.

It was on wednesday night when I got a text from one of my good friends up at PC, Tim Fleming. It was simple and concise, "Run tomorrow morning at 7?" It was without hesitation that I said yes. Whether it be the fact that I was already going to be awake for my 8:30 class, or that I needed the solace of a good run after all of these math equations, I found myself lacing up my shoes for early that morning.

The chill of an early morning, struck me as much indoors as it did outdoors. The heat must not have been working, or they don't bother turning it on that early in the morning. A good motivation for students to wake up and go to class. I joined my friend outside of Di Trag and we began to run through the grassy lands now speckled with dry leaves.

He began by pushing a little hard and I decided to match him slightly. We were talking for most of the way. It was a casual conversation run, which was all I really needed. It was after the North Providence Hill where Tim began to grow slower. "Just go on without me, I'll be fine." He obviously wouldn't. He had no idea where the route went. Plus, I was here to just relax...not to go for a difficult run. I didn't even bring my watch. I kept a reasonable pace, a few steps in front of Tim. It was while this was happening when he said, "I don't know how you do it." This comment struck me. I didn't feel anything. I was completely relaxed and at peace. This was the first time in a while that I was with someone that was hurting when I wasn't. With the exception of a better than average time on my watch, this is the best pick up that I have received in quite some time. For days after, Tim would caution friends not to run with me, because I would go to fast and push to hard. This was something that was good to hear. Tim may not have realized it, but telling people not to run with me, was the finest gesture of friendship that I could have ever gotten at this time.

It hasn't all been a pair of new running shoes since the last post. I can attribute my lack of running during the week to the amount of work that I had but this weekend was entirely different beast. The mood I was in this weekend constantly floats in and out of me, like that of a possessed spirit. I get this crippling feeling that at times I don't belong, at all. If I haven't mentioned yet, I am a part of the schools Board of Programmers (BOP), that is a group in charge of putting on events on campus. That helps me feel like I am a part of something, not to mention that the entire group is an extremely strong family that I love more than anything. However, even that sometimes can't shake this feeling that no matter where I put my feet, I don't seem to fit. On friday, I went to what the school called Pumpkin Fest. I went there because BOP was helping out with some of the portions of the event. However, all I received was lackadaisical greetings that transferred into nothing more than me standing alone in the field, while others did so well with each other. Groups of attractive and funny teens on the top of the world just enjoying and loving each others company. Is this the fault of my peers and the others? Absolutely not. I put myself in charge of every social problem that I seem to fall down into. I could be more friendly or I could try to be more outgoing. Perhaps what happened at Pumpkin fest wasn't even a big deal and was just me reading into small actions from people that weren't even that socially taxing. Regardless of how the situation unfolded and how I tried to logically try to analyze it, I still feel the same. I am emotionally unresponsive and I only sink deeper into this symbolic paralysis, giving myself a low amount of interaction and my ability to make the same mistakes with the same girls, just to be able to feel better about myself. There were plenty of times I could have run this weekend, and even more times when I truly needed it. But I just couldn't think of going out there. I just didn't have the positivity that it takes to put those shoes on.

I found myself in higher spirits this morning when I tied the shoes and began to head out the door. I didn't think that I was going to run this morning. I felt I had too many people to call, for BOP, and classes, work and meetings, would dominate most of my time. I was heading out the door at about 11:00 reciting all of the work that I had to do. I stopped myself from walking out the door, saying to myself. "I have plenty of time for a run." I turned around, ran up the stairs, busted through the door and through on my running stuff, ready to try to forget about everything that was going on just once more.

I began to trek down the sidewalk. Leaves were falling amongst me in a slow melodic form. It was a scene that so many films would unsuccessfully duplicate with CGI. It was pure realistic beauty...and it was something that drove me to run even faster. However, as I have learned before, the attitude one possesses isn't everything in a run. My legs were feeling heavy and stitches began to surface. I had to stop at the top of the hill. I had to stop when I reached the woods. I had to the stop after crossing the street. I was greeted by a large amount of stitches. But something came over me, I was hurting physically, but for the entire run I was nowhere near in a bad mood. I was feeling tired but I just couldn't give two shits about everything else that I felt was wrong in my life. I made myself finish up the run. I forgot to turn on my watch after one of the many times I stopped and it didn't matter to me, because I did the run. Something I couldn't say about myself last week, or several other times in the past three years.

It was later that day, when I was in the BOP office where a fellow BOP member, Shioban, got my attention. "Sean. I saw you today running, and I have to say that I have never seen anyone look so happy on run then you were looking. You had the biggest smile on your face." This comment, like Tim's caught me off guard. Mainly, because I didn't even realize that I was smiling. I feel that life is going to offer me several challenges until that one day that my number is up, whether they be stitches or loneliness, I just need to smile and bear it, because eventually things are going to get better.