My Inner Child

I think that we all have our own inner child. I like to hope we do. It is what maintains our innocence.

We want attention.
We want to be valued.
We get scared
We show off.

It isn't as obvious and we are ashamed of it, but we all have that inner child still brewing inside of us. It shows, but in the most unlikely of places....like on a run.

I decided to change things up today and run a different three mile loop. I was going to run to a one mile loop in the woods, that was one mile away. Putting all of that together means that I would be running three miles today. About a quarter of the mile from the run, off the main road I was running on, 3 kids were messing around on the razor scooters. They were shouting over to me and taunting me. I responded the best way to respond to those kinds of things. I completely ignored them. Because, hopefully, they would realize how stupid they were being. But an abused runner can only dream.

When I reached the trail, the back entrance that I used to always go into, was covered in weeds. It could still be vaguely seen, but it looked menacing. I didn't want to go in there, but there was no turning back now. I traipsed in and the trail was just as menacing as it used to be. I continued to run as fast as I could. The trees were close by and I just imagined some sort of monster snatching me up. The woods trail turned onto a wooden bridge with reeds twice my size surrounding it. I heard them rustling and then splashing. I was certain the monster was going to get me, and I sprinted the rest of the woods trail and jumped right back onto the road. I haven't been scared like that since I was six, to be honest I don't know what came over me.

The last mile went terrible, most likely from sprinting the last mile. While I was struggling, I remembered those three kids on the razor scooters, and I didn't want them to see me like this. I wanted them to see me in all of my glory. I wanted them to see that they were making fun of one bad ass mother fucker. So when I began to hear their voices but they weren't in sight, I started to pick up the pace. By the time they could see me, I ran by them in a brisk pace and I didn't even hear a word from them. I like to think it was because I silenced them, but really it was most likely because they didn't even see me much less care how I was doing on my run.

When I turned onto my street, I almost keeled over and barely finished. I let my inner child take over on the run for me today. It was foolish but good to know that I still have some innocence.

Guidance of an Inner Monologue

Regardless of the immersion in nature I had, I was pretty discouraged about how terrible I felt on Saturday morning. I decided to take an unscheduled day off on Sunday, just because I felt like my legs needed a race, even though my mileage and speed hasn't been what it used to, I think my legs and body have had difficulties with the adjustment of being a runner again.

Once again, today, I had nothing to do. Therefore I just slumped around the house and ate anything that didn't normally belong to a full meal. It was when I began to think about running where that pesky cough came back. After lying dormant for many weeks, the attack of the flem creature once again came to be a fear for my lungs. I thought about not running. I was pretty dead set on not running, but then I just said, "What the hell?". I laced up the shoes and took off just before dinner.

A runner normally keeps sane during racing or training but talking to themselves through an inner monologue. It's like an inner coach, which says encouragement or advice or just consoling words during a runner's most difficult hour of pain. A runner's inner monologue can be their best friend, or their worst enemy. For me, today, it was both.

I started out going over the strategy for the three miles in my head, "Take it slow for the first two, stay strong, and then have something left for that last mile, because that mile is the absolute worst." I ran the first one and a half miles just like my inner monologue told me to. It was when I turned around when things had a change of plans.

On the run back, I was telling myself the same thing, until some big ass runner with a goofy stride came out of a side street and ended up right next to me. To keep things from being awkward I went a little bit ahead of him. Then those damn awkward goofy footsteps were loud and approaching. I obviously didn't look back but hearing that ungraceful stomping was more than I can bare, so I began to pick up the pace more than before.

I didn't hear my monologue until I hit the Post Road, and this time it was mean to me. "What the hell are you showing off for some, goofy mother fucker? You're now going to be shit for that last mile." I then switched gears and tried to be more positive, because I knew that if I got into my head it would be the end of me. "Quit being so negative, you're going to be fine. You just need to take each hill as it comes."

...and that's just what happened. I was strong and I hit every hill with head on vengeance. There was a moment, where a blonde girl was a little while ahead of me. I decided to try to catch her, and I thought to myself, "Huh, this is the first girl I've actually chased in the context of running." And unlike other situations, I was successful this time. I passed her on the other side of the street, just to make sure that I didn't scare her, and if she had pepper spray, it would be bad day for both of us. I finished strong, feeling good and not wanting to die, which is always a good start.

The Cure to a Scorpion Bowl

It was my best friend's birthday last night. While watching our japanese food being prepared in front of us, we decided to get a scorpion bowl. The name itself really accurately describes it. It's a bowl full of fucking poison. More specifically it's a giant glass of fruit juice and rum. Needless to say I woke with my primary concern on survival and not a run, but today was the valley day and the best thing for me would be a run. Therefore I slowly put my shoes on and hopped in the car with my folks.

The run obviously did not go well. My legs felt like rubber and I could barely pick them up. It was most likely the scorpion bowl from the night before, but I'm worried that running 6 times a week after never running for a few years has begun to take a toll, regardless of the low mileage. Regardless of the reason, I felt like absolute shit today.

I kept stopping and going and stopping and going. Eventually I looked to my right and saw the beautiful stream that runs along the railway bed. I saw the morning sun light fight it's way through the tree branches only to succeed in the occasional beam. I decided to walk down to the river. I stood at its bay and was entirely at peace. I looked again to my right and instead of going back on the railway bed, I ran along the river.

It's not about how fast you run, or many miles. What matters is how you feel?

Difficulties Physically and Mentally

I didn't teach today. There are half days that are now field days and most teachers will be in until the last day of school. So I suppose that yesterday will be my last day of school. Therefore I didn't wake up until 11, I didn't put pants on until 2 and am probably not going to shave until my next interview whenever the hell that is going to be.

I went for the run with the expecation that I would be running that three mile that I've been running for the past week. As I was sitting on my bed, tying my shoes, I was strategizing how I would tackle the route that has tackled me twice this week. I would have to start out taking the first half slow. I would be constant but I had to be careful about how I handled it, because the last half was full of rolling hills, most of which I would have to go up instead of going down.

I was barely a quarter of a mile into the run where everything hurt, nothing internally, but everything was sore. I had to just do a mile. I took that as a day off and today will be a day off as well.

It's fitting that I didn't do well today with my run, because I haven't exactly been feeling really great about myself. I think there are several parts of graduating that are difficult. For me it was the same stuff that I hated while in college that I still hate now. I hate going onto facebook and looking at the different girls that have brushed me off over the past few years and are now in their pictures, still beautiful, and flirting with all sorts of guys and having the time of their lives. People could argue that I never made a real go of it, or tried to with any of them, but of the small fraction I did and those failed results, I pretty much knew the shot that I had with anyone else that beautiful. Also, the guys they are with now didn't have to try, they didn't have to go for it, these beautiful girls just threw themselves at him and they are all happy.

I always tend to downplay my physical appearance and I never fail to stop doing such things because, let's be honest, I have a mirror, I have seen pictures of myself on facebook, and then I see these beautiful women and I already know that I have lose the battle of the looks. But then I look at the guys they are with, and I am just puzzled by it. I know that I am nothing great to look at. I mean, that's the main reason why I am running because as butt ugly as I am, I feel like at least I will have a pretty decent body, or a skinny runners one. But some of these guys aren't really much to look at. I mean granted some of them are knockouts that I definitely wouldn've been able to compete with, but some of them are pretty average. So what is bad about me, what do I do wrong? I don't know. I wouldn't want to be with me if I was them. I could say that all of these people are vapid, superficial, and emotionless, but they really aren't. And they are the ones who are going to go far in life and not me.

Another pain of graduating is realizing that you are no longer needed. I am...was a part of a club that is responsible for putting events on at our campus. It was also my second family of life and first family at college. They were the people that got me through rough time and also I had the best time of the world with them. They're my fifty best friends. But now that I graduated, I have to learn to move on from them. I don't want to be that guy who pesters the board and doesn't leave them alone. The person that doesn't let go of college and is pathetic. Regardless, I just feel like shit. I feel like I can't be that guy. I see the other people on the club still at Providence College and I see them talking to each other about events and parties. I see them wanting other people that left to come back and telling other people that they miss them. Their first party is in about a week and its a tradition for those that graduated to come back and see the rest of the people on the club. I was going to go, but I don't feel like they don't want to see me, so I don't see the point. I am probably just being dramatic, then again it feels real.

On saturday I will be back at the valley, with a new frame of mind and hopefully body.

Strength is Pain

I ran the same three today. I wasn't quite sure what to run today. I knew I wanted three but I could not figure out if I should give that loop another chance, or if I should just be safe and do the same back and forth run that I did the day before. I was still undecided when I began to run, because the two runs have the same start. The decision maker was not my own mind, however, but my own bladder.

I get this terrible bladder from my dad's side and it has already been a problem. When walking to a Red Sox game this summer I had to stop at almost any restaurant because I already had a belly full of beer. I have had to squeeze the living hell out of several dates' hands while the bus slowly drove to their formals because I already pre-gamed before that bus ride. I have spent most of the night in lines and bars and once got a bunch to the side of the head for pissing on some guys house. Granted all of these incidents had to do with alcohol but in general my bladder is far from any sort of reliable in really any situation, including the run today.

I thought about the three mile loop and I couldn't think of a bathroom on the 3 mile loop. Xpect Discounts probably doesn't have one in the back, car dealerships are way too clean for a dirty runner to set foot in, the ice cream place was outdoors, and the police station would probably let me use their's but I probably needed fingerprints before I used it. There was one bathroom I could think of on the route and it was the Gulf station across the post road which would mean I would have to the back and forth three miler.

When entering the Gulf Station bathroom where business savy Sicilian's or desperate horror movie teenagers would stash a body, I felt something euphoric. That bathroom was a mile away and I felt totally fine. I remember the beginning of the summer almost falling over after 1 mile and now I felt stronger then ever.

I continued to feel strong until I was crossing the post road for the second time and then for the second time in a row, I deteriorated. In the end of the run I could barely finish. I realized that this course, this back and forth course, is extremely difficult. There are rolling hills through the entire last half and they can almost break a runner, even someone skilled.

The Complexities of a Simple Mind

Yesterday just was not a good day. I am not sure what to blame it on, perhaps the lack of recent experience in running 3 miles or just a tough new loop that mapped out. Whatever it may be it didn't go well. It was later that night that my attitude didn't change when I saw on facebook that Ali is living with her current boyfriend. Is it stupid to be upset about that? Absolutely. Did that stop me from being so? Absolutely Not. My solution right now is to keep running and maybe eventually I will feel better about everything regarding that girl and that situation. I guess it did help me feel better about it today.

This morning didn't feel much better. The students I had in the social studies class I was subbing for, were very difficult to manage and they put in quite the terrible mood which caused me to take it out on students that (although still wrong) were probably not as deserving at the students that launched me into such a whirlwind. Regardless I was a very poor teacher today. How could I do something like put my emotions not only into my jobs but also effecting the students' experience in the classroom?
What kind of teacher is that? It's after days like today, where I don't think that I am going to be a good teacher at all. I will be nothing but a student's poor experience through their high school career. But my run today made me feel better about even that.

I was thinking about my run yesterday and my run on saturday and how they could have been so different....

1. One was after a monday and the other was at the beginning of a saturday

Well, there's nothing I can do about the day of the week.

2. One was on a scenic soft trail and the other on a hard street going past car dealerships and adult video stores.

I can't get in the habit of driving to the trail every day, and there aren't really any great trails around here that are longer than a mile loop.

3. One was a straight shot back and forth and the other was a loop.

Well, that was a difference, but normally a loop is much more easier to run then a straight shot back and forth. I mean always a loop was easier to run then a straight shot back and forth.

I always frowned upon running out a little and then back because I felt it to be a lack of creativity. Instead of thinking of a very interesting loop, you just run out a mile and then come back the same way, it's so boring and unoriginal. However, I was trying to get back out there and try to continue some great running and well I guess that doing what I seemed to do right at the valley was the best course of action at this point in the summer. Therefore I clocked a run that went a mile out toward the post road and then I would cross the post road and go another half mile, which ended right after I passed by my sister's old all girl high school. I felt good about this, I felt ready to tackle something new and for the first time I was excited about running a straight shot out and back.

Upon starting the run, I felt strange. I felt like I was going fast. I probably wasn't, at least by high school cross country standards, but at the same time, I felt like I was trying very hard. I felt good, and I kept this up until I hit a very busy road near the highway called Oranoque. It's funny how a busy road just always seems to sound noisier even when there are no cars on it. This was not the case this time there were plenty of cars buzzing by my head, as if they were making a noble effort to slice my head off with their left rearview mirror. There was one landscaping truck that beeped at me. When they drove by I gave them a dirty look and mouthed fucked you. It's both infantile and pretty monotonous of an action but it brought me back into the code of the runner.

When I was running 10 miles a day, you really couldn't help but run on a busy road and then you couldn't help but have a confrontation with some asshole driving, who would either honk, yell, or do something else obnoxious to make you jump or get you pissed. The code of the runner, was to ignore and not let it phase you or at least that was the honorable thing to do. What us high schoolers did was either flip them off, tell them to fuck themselves, kick their bumper at a stop light, or quietly wish for them to wrap their car around a tree. My favorite thing to do would be to respond to the extremely original and hilarious passerby comment of, "Run, Forrest, Run.", a comment that got old halfway through the first showing of the movie. Upon hearing this, I would speed up, pretend to carry a rifle, and yell in his accent, "I GOTTA FIND BUBBA!" I would either have a response of laughter or silence. The laughter was enjoyable, and the silence just meant they were too stupid to understand the movie its from, never have seen the movie, and therefore they are just pop culture hungry puppies that suck at the next big tit, which is also an enjoyable experience but just for me.

Anyway, I continued past the mile marker and crossed the post road. I didn't hit the button, because I don't live in New York, and I hate it when someone shuts down the entire intersection for 60 seconds so they can take that 3 second jog across one crosswalk. As I was running the last half mile before I was to turn around I felt great until I came to a realization that was troubling. It felt great. I took a look at my surroundings. I looked forward, behind me, and to the sides and realized that I was currently, gradually running downhill. This was only a problem because, I was going to have to run back up that gradual downhill.

A gradual downhill is the worst, when it comes to running. It will either slowly kill you, sometimes without you realizing it, or it can just last forever and wear you down. All of these thoughts were racing through my mind, as I turned around to face the hill head on. I knew how to do it, steady pace, constant, slowly pick it up. The hill got steeper at times and when it did I powered up it. I let the downhill take me to the post road and as it did the song, Freaks and Geeks by Childish Gambino came into my mind and it helped me power up that last hill past the highway.

I crawled the last half mile, I guess I started my kick on the hill way too early. But in this case, I still felt good. I suppose that finally, all the bad felt better than that one good thing: Running, and everything it gave me today.

To Envy a Squirrel

I was ready for three miles today. It never crossed my mind to run anything less and I even completely prepared a new route that had to do with running on the post road. I was ready for action.

When I began to run today I felt lighter than air. I was ready to keep moving and continued on a great pace. After the mile mark when I turned on the post road, something amazing happened. I had to stop at an intersection because of oncoming traffic, and when I did so, I wanted to keep running. Recently when I was given the excuse to stop on a run, I would relish in that excuse and enjoy every minute of it. But today, I wanted to keep running while standing at that intersection. However, when I turned off the Post Road, continuing on my run, I felt worse and worse. My legs grew heavy and I started to get even heavier.

It was at around the second mile where I needed to stop. I haven't stopped willingly on a run since I started this little project. I felt defeat, anger, shame. It was only a few moments later that my head rose up with an angry face and I powered through the last mile. It was with a quarter mile left that I hurt more than I have in a long while. I ran by a squirrel lying in the road with a new haircut in the shape of a tire track. I envied him for a brief moment.

I guess I never really do well with the bad days. I tend to think more negative than positive and therefore I tend to think that my life is fulling apart at the smallest imperfection, just like a squirrel after a tire track. But things will get better, they already have.